Waiting...

Today's post is dedicated to our baby in heaven whose due date was 10/14/23.

Today's post is hard. This week is hard. Grief is hard. But God. On January 27, I found out I was pregnant. Huge surprise! I struggle with PCOS so it was a miracle in itself that I got pregnant with our Ellie and especially this baby. I couldn't believe it and truthfully, I struggled with the thought of having another baby. I am a planner and this was not in the plan. Little did I know, this was the start of a 47 day battle that would change my life. My prayer, in sharing my story, is that this reaches just one woman who has been through the tragic loss of child or pregnancy or who is struggling with infertility to know that there can be joy in the waiting and peace can be found.

A few weeks ago, I saw a post circulating on Facebook that said, "The 'P' in my name stands for patience." It tickled me because, if you know me, you know that's very relatable. Patience is not a fruit of the spirit that I excel at. If you're like me, the ultimate test is to push my patience. A slow computer can really send me into a tailspin. So, when things started going downhill with my pregnancy it was the ultimate test for me. On February 9, I started spotting and had some labs done. We determined my progesterone had dropped significantly. I called my OB and immediately began taking progesterone meds to bring my levels back up. The nurse told me the meds would either fix the problem or it would delay the inevitable. I chose to take the meds. I made the decision to fight. Hard. I hit my knees and begged God to help me raise my levels and for the safety of my baby. I went to my first appointment on February 16 and my Dr. told me that either I was way earlier than expected or the pregnancy wasn't viable. There was no heartbeat, but the ingredients were there. In her opinion, it was not viable and I needed to go home and let the inevitable happen, but we would wait and see. I chose to continue taking the meds and keep fighting. The following week, my HCG levels were up and my values were looking good. At this point, we had the prayer chain fired up and going to battle with us. Anyone who asked I told them, "Pray for a heartbeat." That's all I asked for. (Lesson learned, be a little more specific.) On February 20, I went back to my OB for an ultrasound since the lab values were so good. Guess what? My baby had a heartbeat and was measuring 6 weeks! We were cautiously optimistic and praying so hard for viability. My OB wanted me to come back in 2 weeks for a follow up to confirm viability or not. On March 1, I went in for the follow up. At this point, the ultrasound tech and I knew each other by name so she came in from her break to be with me and perform the scan. What I saw will forever be imprinted on my brain and in my heart. While my baby had a heartbeat, it was very irregular and was clear that he was struggling. (We didn't actually know the gender, but I will tell you how I know it was a he soon.) My OB came in and sat down with Dylan and I. She told us that he had major cardiovascular defects and I was going to miscarry. In her attempts to try to ease the heartache, she told me that "diabetic babies are much more likely to have heart defects amongst other health issues." While I know she meant well, I took it to heart. It was my fault. It was my disease in my body that failed my baby. I failed my baby. Now, I had to wait for things to naturally occur. I chose to not take any medications throughout the entire process that would induce a miscarriage. I wanted to look back and know that I never gave up on my baby and fought 'til the end. Things were not progressing on their own and I had to go back. When I went back on March 12, we confirmed there was no heartbeat and scheduled for D&C for March 15. When I got to the hospital that morning for my procedure there had still been no signs of miscarriage and even though I knew our baby was gone, I just wanted a sign from God. The nurse sent me to use the restroom once I was in preop and I passed most of the tissue on my own. Thank you God.

I tell you all of this because I want you to see a pattern in our story. There was nothing we could do but wait. For 47 days, we waited. I must be honest and tell you that prior to all of this, I was really struggling with my faith. I was not feeding my spirit or actively seeking the Lord in my daily walk. I was just in this grey area. Basically, I was in a spiritual rut. When things started falling apart, it was a huge wake up call for me. When you’re in a season of life where everything is out of your control and you literally just have to sit there and wait, what do you do? I learned to worship while I waited. I realized there was nothing I could do. I was helpless in this situation. One day while I was driving, God laid a song on my heart that stays on my mind regularly called “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller. The lyrics became my daily anthem:

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You While I'm waiting I will worship While I'm waiting I will not faint I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait Yes, I will wait

I listened to the song, finally threw up my hands and said, “Okay, God. You win. This is all in your timing. There is nothing I can do to fix this and I am laying it at your feet. Let you will be done in mine and my baby’s life. I know that his life is valuable and precious to you. I know that you have a grand plan that I cannot see right now and I am handing it all over to you because I can’t do this on my own anymore.” I begged for a sign from God. Anything to just let me know everything was going to be okay because I had tunnel vision. He answered my prayers by giving me 2 dreams. The 1stdream was when we knew the baby had cardiovascular defects and wasn’t going to make it. The dream included my Mamaw Sammie who was my hero, my safe space, and my comfort. In the dream I had our baby, and she took him. Before she walked away with him, she said, “Don’t worry baby. I’ve got him and everything is going to be okay.” I woke up with a peace the next morning knowing my baby was going to be well taken care of. After we scheduled our D&C, I had another dream. I dreamed my OB was performing the procedure and she said, “Oh! There’s another baby in here, but he’s not ready yet like this baby is. He needs more time to grow.” This was God promising me that we will have another baby one day in His time. I do not think I lost our baby in vain. I think our baby’s life is important and he is the reason this blog was started.

This experience, while horrible, showed me just how great our God truly is. He showed me that in His timing, everything works out for our good. He also showed me how important it is to worship and be obedient in the waiting. The waiting is where your worship is imperative. It is where your faith is tested. The waiting is where you truly see God move. When the storm is raging and you feel lost, lean into God and wait for His rescue. You are not alone in this. Do not isolate yourself from God’s love and will for your life. If you feel like you are drowning, reach out your hand to Him. He will grab onto you and never let you go. Thank you, God, for hanging onto me and not letting me sink into the despair and utter heartbreak of our loss. Thank you for waking up my dry bones and showing me the light. I thank you for the 47 days I carried our baby, and I thank you for the promises you made me.

I pray this reaches someone who is in that hard waiting period in whatever situation you are in. I pray you seek God in this time and allow Him to guide you. I promise, dear friend, He will never leave you or forsake you. Worship while you wait. Serve while you wait. You are not alone, and I am praying for you right now as you read this. I want to leave you with this verse:

13 I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

In the land of the living.

14 Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14